Equipping Pastors and Leaders Series: Caring for Those Grieving the Loss of Someone to Suicide

The following is my teaching outline for a workshop I taught for pastors and leaders (November 2018) in Long Beach, CA.  

Resources to support those who are grieving the loss of someone to suicide

aka: survivors of suicide (the family and friends left behind after their loved one dies by suicide)

www.survivorsofsuicide.us

This org is based in Garden Grove, CA.  They have a support group 2x month in Garden Grove.  Their website also has an extensive list of current area support groups, in Los Angeles and Orange County.

The website of the American Foundation for the Prevention of Suicide has a thorough list of book recommendations.

https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/resources-loss-survivors/books-loss-survivors/

How grieving a suicide death is different from many other deaths: SHAME and TRAUMA

Handout # 1: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-suicide-death/

Handout #2: Do’s and Don’t When Supporting a Survivor of Suicide

Do’s and Don’ts When Supporting a Survivor of Suicide

Things to say/do…

·         How are you feeling today?

·         I don’t know what to say…

·         This must be so hard for you…

·         I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I wanted to let you know that I’m here if you’d like to talk. I’m not sure what to say, but I’m here to listen

·         Recall a positive memory about the person who died

·         I miss (name of the person who died)… how are you?

·         Can I take you anywhere that would help? (doctors, shopping, appointments etc)

·         Would you like to go for a walk together?

·         What can I do to help?  (And offer a few specific things)

·         What do you need?  Do you want to talk about your feelings? To not talk about your feelings?  To do something quiet together?  To go to a movie and laugh?  To be present while you do paperwork?

Spend some time processing what this suicide brings up for you and how that might impact your ability to care.

What not to say/do…

·         Avoid asking for details about the death itself, such as how the person died, who saw it, etc.

·         Avoid asking questions that try to piece together why it happened.

·         Avoid clichés such as “They are in a better place” “Time heals everything” “they are at peace now”

·         Avoid phrases such as “It was God’s will” “It was his time to go Home.”

·         Avoid initiating questions of personal faith or theology, “did s/he know Jesus?” “well, I believe suicide is not a sin…”

·         Avoid trying to find silver linings, “isn’t it good that the kids weren’t home…”

·         Avoid identifying with the loss, “I know how you feel…” (unless you did lose someone to suicide)

·         Avoid talking a lot about your own experiences, especially if they are not suicide bereavement

·         Phrases that could be seen as judgmental, such as “they were selfish to do that” “they took an easy way out”

·         Don’t share the news unless at the request or with permission of the survivor (don’t post on social media, don’t put on the prayer chain)

Don’t avoid the survivor.