Christmas 2013: Anticipating Comfort

As Christmas approaches, I am enjoying the signs and symbols of the holidays… the candles, the lights, the shopping for gifts, the food, the gatherings, the music, the childlike whimsy.  These signs and symbols mediate comfort to my soul.  This year, it struck me, how in this season of Advent (literally “coming”), we are awaiting the coming of real comfort. 

Real comfort is not to be confused with false comfort.  False comforts avoid our real sorrows with whatever… shopping, food, internet, busyness, etc.  Real comfort is different.  It touches our real sorrow.  To experience real comfort in the face of loss and uncertainty is a great gift.  It is perhaps the greatest Gift, known now in part, to be known completely when we are fully with God, forever.    

Immanuel, God with us, comforts in many ways.  Perhaps we experience real comfort comes through a song that touches our soul, or through something we read or a mystical sense of God’s presence.  Perhaps we experience comfort through the care of a beloved friend.  In our work as therapists at SRP, one of our goals is to be with people in such a way that they experience comfort in their pain, disappointments and challenges.  Our hope is that this way of being, this relationship, will be a conduit of true comfort, meeting each person at their point of need. 

Comfort soothes in our time of affliction or distress.  Sometimes our distress is on the surface.  We find ourselves in touch with our loss.  For many of us this is uncomfortable; we feel naked.  Such vulnerability is risky.  We often fear being judged and we judge ourselves.  We feel weak.  Or we fear the pain will overwhelm us.  Other times our wounds and fears remain hidden below the surface driving us unaware.  Experiencing comfort is complex… and vulnerable.  

To receive true comfort we need to experience our true sorrow.  We are invited into the darkness of our loss and uncertainty with the promise that Comfort can be experienced.  We may struggle in the darkness.  In our fallen world, and to varying degrees in our personal histories, comfort is hit or miss.  If every time we had a need we experienced comfort, we could more easily trust that our needs would be met.  Advent holds the promise of the coming of Comfort.  It is promised.  This place of darkness, of waiting for comfort, is not an easy place, but it can be a holy experience, a place of courage and faith… and the doorway into comforting connection.   

Don Diva and I are both aware of our need for comfort this Christmas season.  For Don, this has been a year of transition.  He stepped out in faith and vision as he transitioned from the ministry where he served full-time for over 15 years to his work full-time as a therapist with the SRP.  His prior ministry was the context where he and his wife Erin met, married and began their family.  It was home base.  This exciting and planned change holds the promise of new areas of service and the next growth step in his vocation as a therapist, but it comes with the uncertainties inherent in change.  He needs comfort to steady himself and his family in the transition. 

For me, this year involved many losses and changes related to my father being diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease).  The losses for my father and for our family have been manifold.  Shortly after my dad was diagnosed I connected with a friend’s friend whose father had passed away from ALS.  She welcomed me to “a club of amazing people and resources” in the ALS community, that, as she put it, “no one wanted to join.”  Comfort comes through many sources.  God’s comfort is incarnate in so many ways.   

Awaiting true comfort is central to Advent.  Consider the beginning of Handel’s Messiah, taken from Isaiah 40, a passage that prophesies the coming of Jesus,

Comfort, comfort ye my people, Speak ye peace, thus saith our God;

Comfort those who sit in darkness, Mourning ‘neath their sorrows’ load;

Speak ye to Jerusalem Of the peace that waits for them,

Tell her that her sins I cover, And her warfare now is over. 

Jesus came into our world in all of the vulnerability of a baby to bring comfort to a distressed world.  He ushered in a new age of Comfort.  Likewise Jesus’ comfort comes to us in our darkness… in our losses and uncertainty. 

I hope that you experience His Comfort this Christmas as we celebrate the promise of His coming Comfort, 

Catherine

Healthy Relationship Check List

This morning I spoke on "When Couples Therapy Can be Helpful/Needed" at the North Orange County New Song Church's Mom's Group.  Many of the women found the following "Healthy Relationship Check List" very helpful.  So here it is for you!

 

Each spouse/partner should complete the survey separately, answering "Yes" or "No" to the following questions.

1. Can you communicate your needs clearly?
2. Do you find it easy to talk to your spouse?
3. Do you find it easy to listen to your spouse?
4. Do you assertively express your feelings?
5. Are you aware of and attentive to the emotional needs of your spouse?
6. Are you aware of your needs and are they as important as those of your spouse?
7. Do you and your spouse spend time together in shared activities?
8. Do you have other meaningful relationships and interests?
9. Do you work through significant conflicts?
10. When you attempt to resolve a conflict or make a decision is your negotiation fair and democratic?
11. Do you let go of the need to "be right"?
12. Are you open to constructive feedback?
13. Do you forgive yourself and your spouse?
14. Do you accept your mistakes and learn from them?
15. Do you fulfill each other's sexual needs?
16. Do you share the chores and responsibilities of the marriage/family equally?
17. Do you support each other's relationships with family?
18. Is your marriage free from intimidation and abuse of all kinds?
19. Is there "space" in your marriage for you to grow and be yourself?
20. Are you able to care for each other in times of hardship or illness?
21. Do you trust your partner to tell you the truth at all times?
22. Do you feel good about yourself when you are with your partner?
23. Do you have clear and explicit agreements and boundaries (yet allow for flexibility)?
24. Are play, humor, and having fun together commonplace?
25. Are you willing to take risks and be vulnerable?
26. Can you enjoy being alone and is privacy respected?
27. Do you take responsibility for your own behaviors and happiness?

Compare your answers.

Then, make a list of all of the items that either one of you answered "No".

Discuss the importance of these qualities. If there are several, and you feel they are important, discuss how you can work toward achieving these goals.

If you struggle to communicate, or cannot agree on important characteristics of a healthy relationship you may want to consider couples counseling.

This survey was adapted from http://www.no-problem-marriage-counseling.com/couple-counseling-questionnaire.html

What's in a Name? A Personal Transition Reflection

For most of my life, I've been "Cathy."  Recently I decided to make a transition back to Catherine, my given name.  Not because I had a profound revelation.  It was more a longstanding desire that I finally acted upon.  It brought a gut level joy and excitement.  Excitement that it’s never too late to change.  Excitement because I think it’s a beautiful name.  Joy that it fits. 
 
I wanted to make the transition three times before.  In middle school I wanted to go by Catherine… but my new best friend was Catherine… so, in earnest middle school logic, I definitely couldn’t be Catherine.  The same logic held in high school.  When I went away to college, I wanted to transition to “Catherine.”  But soon I discovered more than embracing this change, I wanted familiarity and a sense of being known.  So Cathy it was.  Recently, as I was redoing some paperwork for the Soul Restoration Project, I thought, ‘this is it!  It’s time to go by Catherine.’ 

I was named Catherine after my paternal grandmother.  I have a lot of love and respect for her and I’m proud to have her name.    And, as my parents age, and as I appreciate the good of my heritage, I want to reclaim this part.  It was a gift to me from my parents, and ultimately a gift from God.

 

Names matter.  We know that intuitively.  Every parent I know is thoughtful about naming their child.  I also believe that somehow, whether God is intentionally sought for wisdom or not in naming, our Creator is at work.  God is at work, in partnership with parents, to name His children. And we have the opportunity to receive this gift and celebrate it.   

I’m curious about you.  What meaning does your name hold for you?  Do you think of your name as a gift?  I’d love to hear from you. 

Acceptance and the Gift of Self-Acceptance, A Reflection

There are few gifts as beautiful as the gift of acceptance.  In my own life, experiences of acceptance flow like a stream in the desert.  I’m sure the stream started as I was welcomed into my family, the little girl my parents happily anticipated.  Then there were my earliest friends in kindergarten; I remember an enthralling sense of acceptance as we learned our first bad word together.  Then there was the wonderful experience of sitting on the lap of Ms. F, my first grade teacher when I moved to a new school and felt like the outsider as the new kid.  Then there was the kindness of Matt when other boys teased me.  Fast forward many years there was my first significant relationship that imprinted a deep sense of specialness and acceptance, healing many rejections.  And there was the steady love and respect from my closest friend in a faith crisis. 

There are moments in my most intimate relationships when my weaknesses, fears and general darkness are exposed—and I hope against hope for acceptance ... that s/he/they won’t leave, either physically or emotionally.  What I really want to know is, when I'm messy, will this person hang in there with me?  Will I experience that beautiful gift of acceptance and genuine connection?  Pop singer Kelly Clarkson articulates this desire so beautifully in her song Dark Side.  Part of the lyrics go, "Everybody's got a dark side.  Do you love me? Can you love mine? Nobody's a picture perfect. But we're worth it.  You know that we're worth it.  Will you love me? Even with my dark side?”  I love that song.

There are no guarantees that we will find the acceptance from others that we long for.  At some point we painfully realize that others leave.  Or they express their disapproval or criticism in ways that can feel even worse than if they just physically left.  The temptation is to withdraw and shut down, believing vulnerability is not a worthy investment and that messiness is our greatest liability.  Many of us fear that our worth is defined by our mistakes and our weaknesses.  We can offer a history of our mistakes, of the ways we are unworthy.  Therefore we hide in shame and pretend all is fine, convincing ourselves and others that we are worthy.   

Often we are our own worst enemy here.  We become ruthlessly critical towards ourselves (and even others at times).  Sometimes this is even what prompts us to seek out counseling and personal growth.  

We go to therapy or embark on some personal growth journey wanting to change something about ourselves or our circumstances.  So we do a little therapy, go to church or read a book and are often discouraged that, “it’s still there.”  In an earnest determination to change we can actually calcify some aspect of ourselves we don’t like.  
 

A more effective approach is to create an atmosphere of acceptance.  I may not like an aspect of myself but what if I choose to accept it and even embrace it as an important part of the whole me?  Whether it’s my temper, my weight, my complaint, my sensitivity, my addiction, my fear, my sexuality, my drivenness, my avoidance, my loneliness.  Could I choose to accept it?  In other words, could I believe, “this is a significant part of me.  It’s not my best or my worst, but it is a part of who I am.”  I am convinced that acceptance creates the greatest atmosphere for movement!  

 
For example, Sara would get extremely frustrated with her spouse.  Frequently seemingly small household chores would become the focus of unleashed rage.  In many other facets of her life she patient, helpful and kind.  She generally was sweet and gentle.  Sarah had difficulty owning her anger.  Instead she blamed her spouse for it.  By blaming him she didn't have the opportunity to grow in insight and understanding of her internal process.  Once she could accept her own actions and feelings-- insight, understanding and growth followed.  She came to understand her feelings and how she tended to bottle them up until they were explosive.  In therapy she explored how feelings, and particularly hurt and anger functioned in her family of origin.  In time Jill learned to care for her own emotional life more attentively.  She learned to navigate frustrations in new ways that produced peace and growth.
 

This is the heart of grace.  In the Apostle Paul’s letter to the church in Rome (chapter 2) he writes that it is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance.  In other words, God’s acceptance leads to transformation.  God’s love creates the soil in which we are free to grow. 

Paradoxical isn’t it, that acceptance leads to change?  Often we thin that acceptance leads to laziness or being stuck.  We think, "I don't want acceptance, I want change!"  But what if acceptance leads to change?  ... It's an interesting principle that has wide application: experiencing kindness and love softens our defenses and leads to openness and growth.  When I am living in an atmosphere of acceptance I am naturally more willing to acknowledge my faults and my impact on others. 

The concept of acceptance may seem distasteful, weak or passive.  It isn't.  Acceptance is an active cultivation of compassion and gratitude.  It opens the door to self-awareness.

Acceptance is not just the beginning as if we then go onto self-criticism on our quest for bigger and better real change.  Acceptance and embracing of what is can be the beginning, middle and end of our journey. If things change in the meantime, great.  But some things may not change.  In ourselves or in our circumstances.  Even as some things do change (Thank God!!), there will be new difficulties on the horizon.  We can continually choose the road of acceptance, embracing what is with humility and gratitude.  As we become more accepting of ourselves, we will probably be drawn to those who are likewise more accepting.

Acceptance is a key aspect on the path that leads to change.  And if we embrace acceptance along the way we will cultivate the most important changes: the formation of compassion, patience, kindness, humility, comfort, clarity and other facets of love.   

Practically-speaking, what if you were to suspend your judgments of some aspect of yourself?  Instead, what if you were to become more familiar with that part of yourself?  What if you were curious and chose acceptance?  What if you were courageously vulnerable?  If that part of you could tell you his/her story, what would s/he say?  Would you talk about loneliness?  Fear?  Anger?  Rejection?  Sadness?  Can you listen to and accept that part of yourself?

Accepting yourself is a gift you can give yourself.  My hope is that you will experience this gift firsthand and then offer the gift of acceptance to others.