Taking a Time-Out, for Couples

How can you and your significant other manage a conversation that is escalating into a fight?  You know how you feel when the cycle is in motion...  You get triggered... and then you find yourself unable to refrain from yelling, or bringing up the past, or blaming or shutting down.  We sometimes hope that this time the conversation will end differently.  But usually it doesn't.  Often hurtful words are exchanged, deepening the disconnection.

When couples get stuck in destructive patterns of fighting, calling a time-out can help interrupt it.

A time-out is a structured format that interrupts a negative cycle by allowing time for the body and the brain to recover from the physiological arousal of fight/flight/freeze that can get activated in the face of conflict.  With a time-out a person can more likely transition to using the part of the brain (the pre-frontal cortex) that is capable of thoughtfulness, awareness and care.

There are important elements that help a "time out" be successful, rather than an exercise in frustration or failure.  For example, essential to "calling a time-out" is an honest commitment to resume the conversation at a specific time.  This helps the partner who would rather continue the conversation/fight feel some reassurance that the time-out isn't "just an avoidance tactic."

A time-out can give a couple a needed break to come back to each other in a more constructive way.  But calling a time-out isn't easy... it requires agreement, discipline and practice.  If you are needing a tool to help decrease destructive conflicts and increase connection, give it a try! 
When I work with couples we read through the following structured way of calling a time-out, consider how it might be helpful, how it might be difficult, and then, if they think it will be beneficial, they agree to practice the following the steps.

Successfully implementing this has helped many couples feel more confident, loving and secure.  Let me know how it goes!  -- Catherine Morrill       

So, here it is...

How to Take a Time-Out
 

 A time-out can help you avoid saying or doing things that will hurt your relationship.  A time-out is NOT meant to help you avoid issues.  It is a tool that can help you regain perspective so that you CAN more successfully work through and resolve an issue.

Start by becoming familiar with the indicators that you need a time-out.  They may include:

·        You are so overwhelmed by your feelings of anger, frustration, jealousy or other strong emotion that you can’t relate meaningfully.

·        You want to escalate the conflict to prove your point or “make” the other person hear you.

·        You want to bring up things from the past that you know would be hurtful.

·        You have lost perspective and are no longer thinking about resolution or understanding.

·        You are unable to articulate your thoughts and feelings in a meaningful way.  Perhaps you are blaming the other person or are shut down.

·        You are not able to listen to your partner.  You may be interrupting, making assumptions and/or dismissing what s/he is saying.

·        You are feeling unsafe.

Then Take a Time-Out Using These Steps:

1.      Call a Time-Out

a.      State that you need a time-out.  Ie: “I need a time-out.”  NOT “You” or “We” …need a time out.

b.      Affirm that you are willing to continue the conversation.

c.      Suggest and agree on a time to continue the conversation.

 

2.      Do some individual work: relax, reflect, remember

·        Do something to release the emotional intensity: deep breathing, go for a walk/run, go outside, pray/meditate, take a shower.

·        Ask yourself what triggered your emotional response.  Journal your thoughts and feelings to help you understand what is happening inside of you.  Utilize the “What are we Fighting About” sheet to consider the layers.

·        Remember what’s important: creating a win-win and understanding one another is more important than “winning” the fight.

3.      Resume the conversation

·        Listen generously, seeking to understand his/her thoughts and feelings.

·        Share your own thoughts, feelings and needs.

·        Consider what you could repair by apologizing [see apology blog].

A time-out is simple (in some ways) but by no means easy.  And it isn't one size fits all.  For help in your relationship, I welcome you to contact me to set up a consultation.  You can email me at Catherine@soulrestorationproject.org or call me at 714.262.4445, ext. 2.