When couples get stuck in destructive patterns of fighting, calling a time-out can help interrupt it.
A time-out is a structured format that interrupts a negative cycle by allowing time for the body and the brain to recover from the physiological arousal of fight/flight/freeze that can get activated in the face of conflict. With a time-out a person can more likely transition to using the part of the brain (the pre-frontal cortex) that is capable of thoughtfulness, awareness and care.
There are important elements that help a "time out" be successful, rather than an exercise in frustration or failure. For example, essential to "calling a time-out" is an honest commitment to resume the conversation at a specific time. This helps the partner who would rather continue the conversation/fight feel some reassurance that the time-out isn't "just an avoidance tactic."
A time-out can give a couple a needed break to come back to each other in a more constructive way. But calling a time-out isn't easy... it requires agreement, discipline and practice. If you are needing a tool to help decrease destructive conflicts and increase connection, give it a try!
When I work with couples we read through the following structured way of calling a time-out, consider how it might be helpful, how it might be difficult, and then, if they think it will be beneficial, they agree to practice the following the steps.
Successfully implementing this has helped many couples feel more confident, loving and secure. Let me know how it goes! -- Catherine Morrill
So, here it is...
How to Take a Time-Out
A time-out can help you avoid saying or doing things that
will hurt your relationship. A time-out
is NOT meant to help you avoid
issues. It is a tool that can help you
regain perspective so that you CAN more successfully work through and resolve an
issue.
Start by becoming familiar with the indicators that you need a time-out. They may include:
·
You are so overwhelmed by your feelings of
anger, frustration, jealousy or other strong emotion that you can’t relate
meaningfully.
·
You want to escalate the conflict to prove your
point or “make” the other person hear you.
·
You want to bring up things from the past that
you know would be hurtful.
·
You have lost perspective and are no longer
thinking about resolution or understanding.
·
You are unable to articulate your thoughts and
feelings in a meaningful way. Perhaps
you are blaming the other person or are shut down.
·
You are not able to listen to your partner. You may be interrupting, making assumptions
and/or dismissing what s/he is saying.
·
You are feeling unsafe.
Then Take a
Time-Out Using These Steps:
1.
Call a Time-Out
a.
State that you need a time-out. Ie: “I need a time-out.” NOT “You” or “We” …need a time out.
b.
Affirm that you are willing to continue the
conversation.
c.
Suggest and agree on a time to continue the
conversation.
2.
Do some individual work: relax, reflect,
remember
·
Do something to release the emotional intensity:
deep breathing, go for a walk/run, go outside, pray/meditate, take a shower.
·
Ask yourself what triggered your emotional
response. Journal your thoughts and
feelings to help you understand what is happening inside of you. Utilize the “What are we Fighting About”
sheet to consider the layers.
·
Remember what’s important: creating a win-win
and understanding one another is more important than “winning” the fight.
3.
Resume the conversation
·
Listen generously, seeking to understand his/her
thoughts and feelings.
·
Share your own thoughts, feelings and needs.
·
Consider what you could repair by apologizing
[see apology blog].
