There are no
guarantees that we will find the acceptance from others that we long for. At some point we painfully realize that others leave. Or they express their disapproval or criticism in ways that can feel even worse than if they just physically left. The temptation is to
withdraw and shut down, believing vulnerability is not a worthy
investment and that messiness is our greatest liability. Many of us fear that our worth is defined by our mistakes and our weaknesses. We can offer a history of our mistakes, of the ways we are unworthy. Therefore we hide in shame and pretend all is fine, convincing ourselves and others that we are worthy.
Often we are our own worst enemy here. We become ruthlessly critical towards ourselves (and even others at times). Sometimes this is even what prompts us to seek out counseling and personal growth.
We go to therapy or embark on some personal growth journey wanting to change something about ourselves or our circumstances. So we do a little therapy, go to church or read a book and are often discouraged that, “it’s still there.” In an earnest determination to change we can actually calcify some aspect of ourselves we don’t like.
A more effective
approach is to create an atmosphere of acceptance. I may not like an
aspect of myself but what if I choose to accept it and even embrace it as an
important part of the whole me? Whether it’s my temper, my weight,
my complaint, my sensitivity, my addiction, my fear, my sexuality, my
drivenness, my avoidance, my loneliness. Could I choose to accept
it? In other words, could I believe, “this is a significant part of
me. It’s not my best or my worst, but it is a part of who I
am.” I am convinced that acceptance creates the greatest atmosphere for movement!
For example, Sara would get extremely frustrated with her spouse. Frequently seemingly small household chores would become the focus of unleashed rage. In many other facets of her life she patient, helpful and kind. She generally was sweet and gentle. Sarah had difficulty owning her anger. Instead she blamed her spouse for it. By blaming him she didn't have the opportunity to grow in insight and understanding of her internal process. Once she could accept her own actions and feelings-- insight, understanding and growth followed. She came to understand her feelings and how she tended to bottle them up until they were explosive. In therapy she explored how feelings, and particularly hurt and anger functioned in her family of origin. In time Jill learned to care for her own emotional life more attentively. She learned to navigate frustrations in new ways that produced peace and growth.
This
is the heart of grace. In the Apostle Paul’s letter to the church in Rome
(chapter 2) he writes that it is God’s kindness that leads us to
repentance. In other words, God’s acceptance leads to
transformation. God’s love creates the soil in which we are free to
grow.
Paradoxical isn’t it,
that acceptance leads to change? Often we thin that acceptance leads to
laziness or being stuck. We think, "I don't want acceptance, I want
change!" But what if acceptance leads to change? ... It's an
interesting principle that has wide application: experiencing kindness and love
softens our defenses and leads to openness and growth. When I am living
in an atmosphere of acceptance I am naturally more willing to acknowledge my
faults and my impact on others.
The concept of acceptance may seem distasteful, weak or passive. It isn't. Acceptance is an active cultivation of compassion and
gratitude. It opens the door to self-awareness.
Acceptance is not
just the beginning as if we then go onto self-criticism on our quest for
bigger and better real change. Acceptance and embracing of what is can be the beginning, middle and end
of our journey. If things change in the meantime, great. But some things
may not change. In ourselves or in our circumstances. Even as some
things do change (Thank God!!), there will be new difficulties on
the horizon. We can continually choose the road of acceptance, embracing
what is with humility and
gratitude. As we become more accepting of ourselves, we will probably be
drawn to those who are likewise more accepting.
Acceptance is a key aspect on the path that leads
to change. And if we embrace acceptance along the way we will cultivate
the most important changes: the formation of compassion, patience, kindness,
humility, comfort, clarity and other facets of love.
Practically-speaking, what if you were to suspend your judgments of some aspect of yourself? Instead, what if you were to become more familiar with that part of yourself? What if you were curious and chose acceptance? What if you were courageously vulnerable? If that part of you could tell you his/her story, what would s/he say? Would you talk about loneliness? Fear? Anger? Rejection? Sadness? Can you listen to and accept that part of yourself?
Accepting yourself is a gift you can give yourself. My hope is that you will experience this gift firsthand and then offer the gift of acceptance to others.
