Relationship Repair: 5 Elements of an Apology

It is common for couples to come for therapy after a significant fight or betrayal.  An important part of the healing process consists of apologizing to the other.  But we may not know how to fully apologize.  I hope the following post helps you consider various elements of an apology and can help guide you in your apologizing as well as helping you recognize what you most desire to hear when s/he apologizes to you.   

Learning to apologize is vital to repairing relationships. On the one hand, many of us learned very young – like in kindergarten-- to say, “sorry.”  On the other hand, apologizing can be very difficult—especially when we feel hurt.  Offering an apology authentically requires that we take the focus off of how we’ve been hurt.  In our apology we take responsibility for our contribution to the conflict or breakdown in the relationship.  When we are on the receiving end of an apology, we may feel hurt if someone’s apology seems lacking.  Personally, I often think, “I just want to hear him/her say ‘I’m sorry’.”   Others aren’t impressed by the words "I'm sorry" and really want to see concrete efforts to change. 

Here we are going to break down an apology into five basic elements.  Each element is important for a complete apology but each person usually has a particular element that is most meaningful to him/her.  When we identify our partner's needs, we can speak this his/her heart.  Likewise, when we identify what is most important to us, we can teach our partners to meet our needs.  The following is a brief description of the five elements. 

#1: Expressing Emotion and Empathy.  “I’m so sorry, I know I hurt you.”
In this first element, the goal is to communicate sincerity and sorrow over causing hurt. The apologizing partner showing empathy, stepping into their partner’s heart, acknowledging the hurt they caused and expressing sorrow over it.  There is a need to share that you feel badly – guilt, shame, pain at how you’ve hurt the other.  And then offering some understanding and a desire to really know how you’ve hurt the other person.  “I can see you were afraid, felt abandoned, were embarrassed, etc.”  In this part,  be specific so that the offended partner feels you understand his/her feelings and that you are not sweeping the issue under the rug.  For some, the most important element is this heartfelt, sincere “I am sorry.”
Important note: In the “I’m sorry,” there are no “buts.”  If there is a “but,” the apology becomes an attack. 

#2: Accepting Responsibility. “I was wrong.”
The second element involves the apologizing partner accepting responsibility for the wrong behavior.  It is admitting to one’s mistakes.  It can be tempting to explain what happened and let ourselves off the hook rather than admit that we were wrong.  Even if circumstances interfered with our intentions, we can experience freedom by acknowledging that our actions fell short.  For some, hearing someone take ownership for their err is the most helpful part of an apology.  Here are a couple of ways this might sound:
·        I know that what I did was wrong.  I could try to excuse myself, but there is no excuse.  Pure and simple what I did was selfish and wrong. 
·        I made a big mistake.  At the time, I didn’t think about it.  But in retrospect, I see that is the problem.  I wish I had thought before I acted. 
·        The way I spoke to you was wrong, it was unkind and unloving.  My words were cutting, and I was defensive and selfish.    
·        I repeated the action that I’ve done many times before.  I really messed up.  I know that it was wrong. 

#3: Making It Right. “What can I do to make it right?”
For some people, hearing an acknowledgment of the wrong and an apology is less significant than knowing that the person wants to do something to show care.  When we are wounded by our partner’s actions, we wonder if s/he still loves us.  Restitution can help demonstrate our commitment to the relationship.  Author Andy Stanley writes, “A willingness to do something to try to make up for the pain I have caused you is evidence of a true apology.  A voice inside us says, ‘I ought to do something to make amends for what I have done.’” (p. 54)  It can be helpful to ask what you can do to make up for the loss.  What matters is that the person who was offended experience your care.  Perhaps making restitution would involve fixing what you accidentally broke, bringing them a treat or planning a special time for that person.

#4: Genuine Repentance. “I’ll try not to do that again.”
Genuine repentance is making movement toward changing how we relate in the future.  Sometimes this relatively easy; as we learn what we do that hurts the other, we find ourselves able to shift appropriately.  But other times this is much more difficult.  If our behavior is deep-seated it may be quite difficult to shift.  Perhaps an addiction or habits of sloth, verbal criticism or anger run deep.   In these cases, a commitment to growth requires humble and transparent admission of the ongoing struggle.  Availing ourselves of outside support can help demonstrate our commitment to change.  Perhaps that would include counseling, a support group, accountability, etc.

#5: Requesting Forgiveness. “Will you please forgive me?”
Asking for forgiveness offers the opportunity for the other to not only accept your apology but to extend grace to you.  Sometimes we assume if we acknowledge that we messed up that this is enough.  Asking for forgiveness acknowledges the opportunity the offended person has to give you grace.  It gives the offended person the opportunity to respond and to absolve you of your sin against him/her.  It clears the path toward reconciliation. 

In the course of the small conflicts that arise in daily living, all five elements are unlikely to be needed.  And for apologies for significant breakdowns of trust such as an affair, a careful application of each of these elements is vital.  For all couples, and in our most significant relationships at work and in our families, it can bring repair to conflicts in more complete ways.   

Reference:
Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas’ book, The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships. 

To take an online Apologies Language Personal Profile assessment, go to: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/apology. Also available in a PDF.